Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
