so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Let's get the cat blown out
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
