My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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