I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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