I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Randomize
