I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize