My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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