I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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