It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
