im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize