My Higher Power is John Stamos
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
