I want to stick my p in your. b.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
