Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
