I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
