I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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