I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
You left your phone here
Wait...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize