I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
