I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
