i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
