My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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