if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
