You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize