I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
