I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
