I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
