i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
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