I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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