I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
handjob tips. give me some.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
