i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
