Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
