I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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