I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
