If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
