You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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