he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
