Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
