I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
