Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
