What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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