Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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