What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
