I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
