Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
