I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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