Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
