the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
