I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
