I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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