About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
