Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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