Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
