Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize