Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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