does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
