I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
