i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
