the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
There are leaves in my underwear?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
