you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
