just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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