Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
