omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
