he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
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