He uses pillows to masturbate.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
