I cannot find my penis.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Randomize
