I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
