i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
