I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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