You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize